To be or not to be.

I’m sure every person, in their life, faces this fundamental question – to be or not to be? Well, for me, I’ve probably faced and addressed this question here more times than I can think of. Don’t fret now, I’m not having an existential crisis here, this question is more about should I keep blogging, or just give up once and for all?

Increasingly, I’ve been leaning towards the second option, but something just keeps bringing me back. Maybe it’s because I like to write about useless stuff, or maybe at a deeper level it’s just a hunger for recognition. I won’t deny that it does give me pleasure when someone reads a post and puts a comment underneath. Possibly I am an attention seeker, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It’s better I do it here than on Facebook or Twitter like others do. And I’m not even talking about the KRKs and Poonam Pandeys of the world here, I’m talking about pretty much everyone who is there. It’s an endless race for likes and follows and favorites and retweets and what not. Maybe I would have liked to have all those things too, but then I’m realizing that I’m just not up to it anymore.

But more than anything else, the reason for this lingering doubt is the fact that it’s becoming more and more difficult to stay anonymous now. Sure, with a blog URL like mine, it was never gonna be easy to stay anonymous, but social media and connectivity is just at another level of overkill nowadays. It depends on the kind of writer you are, and what you usually write about. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve always been a very personal blogger. I write about my life – happy and sad times, the whole nine yards. And usually I’m quite explicit with it. Sure you won’t see names and all, but if you know me in real life, it probably would not be very difficult to deduce that it’s the same guy writing. I’ve written several posts where I may not have said the kindest things about people. I was reading some older posts and I saw one where I’d actually posted 4 digits of the scooter number plate of the girl I had a huge crush on! She’s in Bangalore too, by the way, and lives about 5 minutes from where I stay, but that’s a story for later (if there is ever a later, that is). I think I’ve spent a majority of my time here cribbing about the education system and so on, too. Going forward, the only logical thing would be to crib about my work. But I can’t do that now, because companies are on an overdrive to find out what their employees are saying, too. Point is, you just can’t bitch freely about people when you know there’s a big possibility that they might just be reading it!

It’s a funny situation, really. Whenever I get around to the interests section in my CV, blogging is usually the first thing I put there. But if one day an interviewer asks me about it (and they probably will), I won’t have anything to say for it. Because there are way too many hidden secrets here for me to put it in the open. On several occasions, I’ve considered taking this blog private, but never got around to doing it because that’s just not my idea of blogging. I don’t blog for myself, I do it for others to read and talk about (attention seeking behavior, remember?). And then there have also been times where I have considered hiding all the posts where I’ve talked about personal stuff, announce this blog to the world and continue writing. But then the entire thing is just a lie. It’s just not me anymore and I’m not sure if I’m okay with that. Moreover, with so many people knowing about it and reading (hopeful, much?), I just don’t think I would be able to express myself freely at all anymore.

Yet I see all these new age popular bloggers (no no, not saying I’ve become old or whatever, but just), they have a connected personality that extends from Blog to Facebook to Twitter to Instagram to whatever other social network exists, and it works for them quite well. It was easier for me in school or college to just go out and explore new blogs and comment underneath, but now with a job that keeps me pretty busy, I’m just not able to do that anymore. There’s only so many relationships that I can maintain, especially with my general dislike for people and interaction. So maybe it’s time to let go after all.

But… :(

3 thoughts on “To be or not to be.

  1. Of course we’d be sad to see you go.. but if you have to think so much about it, then maybe it is time to think if it’s worth it. Personally, I like to have a place where I can crib :P (remember.. I was a younger version of you..)
    And I don’t really share my blog anywhere else, even if I don’t get any views or comments.. a name can’t connect this blog to your fb account or your real life as long as you want to keep them separate.. which you can.. cuz you already have an audience here, without needing to share on fb or twitter..
    If you feel like something’s missing when you don’t write, or andar kuch ridakta hai bahar nikalne k liye to continue.. warna boht ghamm hai zamane mein ghaalib ek blogging k siva :P

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