Of introspection and lost things.

2 months is just too long a time for someone to be completely useless in life. There’s only so much you can sleep. Only so many times you can try to initiate conversations with old and new crushes on messengers, whether Facebook or WhatsApp. Only so many absolutely illogical Android apps you can download. Only so many episodes of music and cookery reality shows you can watch. Only so many TV series seasons you can follow. Only so many fixed IPL matches you can be excited about. And just only so many times you can tolerate Shaolin Soccer on HBO.

MBA was finished over a month and a half ago. Since then I’ve just been whiling away time at home, waiting for my joining in a new city. No, I won’t tell you which company and which city, because I’m mysterious like that *insert special effects here*. So yeah, ever since I left home for hostel over 2 years back, I’ve never really been a fan of coming back. Sure there are comforts like a personal air conditioner and good food, but then there are no friends, and there is a set of parents who, even though they know I’ll be joining a job soon enough, can’t wrap their head around me just lying around like a pre-Kung Fu initiated Po. While it is irritating to be shouted at and given instructions every morning (heck, my blood starts to boil as soon as I hear my name in a voice that is over a certain number of decibels loud), this isn’t a situation I haven’t faced before. Let’s just say I’m not the child every parent dreams of and cut it at that. So I’ve been ignoring most instructions, following a few, and basically just existing. Except that now I don’t think I can take it anymore. Even though now its only a matter of days before I leave, some things have just started getting on my nerves too much. And dreams about serial killers and earthquakes don’t help my state of mind much either.

A real warrior never quits.” – Master Shifu said to Po after Master Oogway urged Shifu to believe and then disappeared rather emphatically with peach tree leaves around him. “Watch me” was Po’s response. That’s pretty much the response I’m likely to give. The only difference being that I actually succeeded at being a quitter, unlike Po who goes on to kick Tai Lung’s cat ass Kung Fu style. So since I’ve been sitting idle, there has been introspection, and the only pattern that stands out is that I’m just an incredibly good quitter. Every interest I’ve ever had in life, doesn’t exist anymore. I somehow lost all of them along the way. The examples are just too many for me to even list out. But obviously that doesn’t mean I won’t. Comeon, you had to see that coming!

Passions

This blog is probably the biggest example. I don’t think I’ve ever pursued an interest as seriously in my life as I pursued this thing. It has probably been the most rewarding one, too. Why I stopped is, well, still a bit of a mystery to me. I mean, the reasons are obvious, but I would have thought that I could have overcome these little problems for something that was at one point a rather large part of my life. But lack of time, multiple writer’s blocks, and age just got the better of me in the end. I still blog sometimes, but who are we kidding? This is a sad, sad shadow of how crazy I was at some point, posting comments longer than posts! I’ve wanted to make amends several times. I open my Google Reader every now and then and spend almost entire days reading what people have written. But I don’t feel that old urge to comment on posts anymore. It’s not that people aren’t writing good stuff anymore. They are, but I’ve just become too old and too lazy. As they say, it’s not you, it’s me.

Technology and gadgets. Man, I was crazy about these things. I still remember having long and extremely animated conversations over things like the latest microprocessor architecture and why Apple is probably the best company in the world. But I don’t see it happening anymore. It has been centuries since I last read Engadget or Gizmodo and actually gave a shit about what was happening in the technology world. I’m still passionate about gadgets, but not like I used to be. Now, I just want to own a good one, but I don’t have the patience or passion to defend it to death anymore. Sorry Apple, you’ve lost one of your illogical “I will defend the company to death as if I created it” fans. But then you needn’t worry. You’ve got many of those. And now you also have millions of those who think it’s cool to take self shots in bathrooms with their oh so cool iPhones.

Music. Gah, there was a time when I was discovering new artists everyday and my favorite genres were all over the place, not much unlike Sreesanth’s reputation. I was crazy about GREEN DAY and Coldplay. I still am in a lot of ways, but I’m not a fanatic anymore. And I can’t remember the last time I tried a new artist or genre. Nowadays, I just skip a 1000 tracks on my playlist to finally stop at one which I want to listen to, and then skip again and give up after about 30 seconds. I have no clue what went wrong here.

HotWheels. I read through my archives to see if I’d written about my obsession for these little cars. Surprisingly I haven’t. I was pretty obsessed with them when I was a kid. I would force my folks to buy me one every month and would go physically mad if someone tried to steal one of them from me. I was quite in love with them even as an adult and would be angry when mum would just pick one up and give it away to some kid who was visiting our place. I’m not sure at what point I grew out of them too. When I went away to hostel, she just took my entire collection and gave it to some cousin’s kid. There were more than a 100 cars. Argh. Last week when I was just wasting my time in a market and stumbled on to one of those shops that sell toys. I don’t know why but I just got attracted into it and ended up buying this HotWheels bike thingy you see in the picture. It gave me quite a lot of happiness. I may just start collecting them again.

So I guess in the end it’s just a question about being passionate about something. I’ve been passionate about all these things in the past, but not anymore. I want to become passionate about at least some of these things again, but I really don’t know how to go about it yet. Maybe somewhere down the line, I’ll find a way. Till then, these lines from a Coldplay song will ring true:

And the hardest part,
Was letting go, not taking part,
was the hardest part..

5 thoughts on “Of introspection and lost things.

  1. You liked HOTWHEELS?? Awwwwhahahahaawwww. I secretly like them too, but they weren’t girly enough for relatives to gift me and parents preferred stuff like doctor sets and/or books. I had to steal the little cars off cousins. :/

  2. You are not alone in how you feel about the passions that you’ve given up. I wrote exactly the same words in my blog some years ago, and many of these passions have come back to consume me. Keep your eyes open, and the wonders will come back to you.

    Just keep blogging

  3. Passion.. I wonder what it really means, and why we humans partake in it.. it’s just intense emotion, like addiction, or obsession, without any external gratification.. it all comes from the inside.. it’s quite beautiful actually.
    Just keep some time aside for yourself, let go of control, forget the social training, stop thinking about results and gains and what will be good for me, let yourself be consumed by something, and you will feel passion again.

  4. Your mom gave your entire collection??? I would have been so hopping mad!! …all passions, hobbies, interests are not permanent ..they come and go..that doesnt mean you are a quitter

  5. Boy, I am so glad I decided to visit your blog after ages. I was reading through so many old comments on my website. Most of them are from you, of course. My first blog friend ever. First blog friend I followed on Twitter (go check my Tw account if you don’t agree). It’s kinda weird that I’m actually going through a lot of these emotions myself. Sometimes, I get super excited about things, but most other times, I couldn’t get bothered. In my case, it mostly has to do with being overworked and not finding enough time to do things I used to like to do (For eg – blog or play synthesizer or read tech blogs…). Actually, I still read some tech blogs, mostly the ones to do with Apple ;) But yeah, totally hear you on the lack of passion when it comes to holding animated, long discussions about a certain topic. Your comments used to be legendary man. I miss having you around for sure. Very recently, I made a half attempt to write something again. Nothing to be proud of, but it’s a start. Or at least I hope it’s a start anyway. It’ll be good to have you back Ish. Aur sab maje mein? :D

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