I just don’t know.
If you’re in a particularly good mood, I advise you not to read this because I’m not in a very good one and this post isn’t gonna lift your spirits in any which way. However, if you’re angry, fucked up, pissed off and so on, I would advise you to read this because knowing that there is somebody who’s even more confused and fucked up than you are might help your case. Works for me, at least.
So Charlie Chaplin once said, “I like walking in the rain because nobody can see my tears”. That might not be exactly what he said so Charlie uncle, please don’t jump on me for copyright infringement, defamation or some such fancy thing. So yea, something like that coming from Uncle Charlie, who used to make everybody laugh was really something. Or that’s what people say. I think it’s pretty normal because at the end of the day, he was just a normal human like all of us are. Well, he might have had a better sense of humor, more $$$, more popularity but at the end of the day he was just a mortal. Somebody who had his own set of problems. Every human struggles somewhere or the other. I wonder why I’m even rambling about all this. Anyway, so he said that and it’s a popular quote and everything. Me being me, I thought I’d come up with something myself. But since it doesn’t really rain because of the screwed up ecosystems anymore, I had to slightly change the situation. So I thought I’d select something that happens more often. Something like power cuts. So my version goes like, “I like power cuts because everything goes dark and nobody can see anything”. What it basically means is that I like sitting outside in the balcony during the power cuts and imagining people in the house next to mine bouncing into the walls because they’re completely clueless and can’t see. Obviously that doesn’t happen because they’ve all got generators going but I like to imagine that. The thing is, it satisfies me to think that at least during the power cuts, nobody can see anything in front of them, just like me all the time. I don’t see any future for me. I don’t know what’s coming. And there are reasons for that, quite a few of them.
Everybody has some aim, some passion in life. I have none. Nothing at all excites me. Some people like Physics, somebody wants to get into the best medical institution in the country. Everybody who’s my age knows what they want from life. I, on the other hand have absolutely no idea, agenda or plan. This feeling becomes more prominent during the examination and result season because everybody’s going here and there to join colleges etc. and it really hurts to see that everybody has a plan. I had none when I joined college last year. And today, about a year later, I’m not any wiser. I still don’t have any passion, any interest. I had a keen interest in computers, but that seems to have died now. My mind says that’s because college isn’t satisfying enough but I think that’s just a lame excuse. I’m supposed to be starting MBA preparation in a couple of months but there’s nothing that particularly excites me about that either. It’s just a kind of a sacrifice. I’m doing that only because I want to escape everything and I want to get rid of people telling me what to do and so on. But that’s all. Whether that is a good decision, I don’t know and quite frankly, I don’t care.
This brings me to the aim part of life. The mother is pretty tired of me giving her this excuse every other day. She tells me that if I don’t have any aim in life, I will never achieve any success in life. Aim is the most important thing in life. And then she tells me to make one fast. She says that I keep lying around everyday, maybe I should analyze things during that time and make up an aim. But I don’t think that’s gonna happen like that. Aim is a very important thing in life, isn’t it? How can I just sit for a couple of hours and decide my aim? I don’t know. The fact that one of my good friends got admission into AIIMS last year and one is going to IIT this year doesn’t help things one bit. “When both of them could have an aim in that age, why can’t you?”, questions my mother. That’s a question I really have no answer to. And when I don’t answer that, she thinks I’m screwed in my head. And I don’t blame her for that. There was an article in the newspaper a couple of days back and it had John Abraham talking about how some of the most successful people he knows were clueless when they were 20. I liked that article but I never mentioned it to my mother because I didn’t want to create a fuss on that, she’s kind of touchy when it comes to my histrionics in 11th and 12th. But today when I decided to talk to her about my clueless-ness, she brought this article up. I was very surprised at how well she knows me. She said that I’m screwed up and that I keep getting lost because of such articles and because of them “stupid rockstars”. Stupid rockstars would mean Green Day. I knew I should not have discussed the idea behind their songs with them. How can you expect her to not get alarmed when she watches a video like Jesus of Suburbia or Holiday? But it’s not entirely my fault. I have to discuss my feelings with somebody and that happens to be the mother because nobody else listens to Green Day here. These are the times when I miss having a sibling. Maybe they would have understood? Or maybe they wouldn’t have. That’s another of those many things in life that I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder where I would end up 10 years from now. I might be highly successful, I might be somebody average, I may be broke or I may just be dead. I don’t know. I just don’t know.
The weather outside was good today so I decided to drag the bean bag into the balcony, just lie down, listen to 21st Century Breakdown (finally!) and just stare at the stars. I know that sounds very melodramatic etc. but I love doing that, it’s fun. And especially when there’s a power cut and everything is quiet because all the AC’s and stuff have to go off. So I asked this exceptionally shiny star guy, “Dude, you have any idea about my aim?”. And just when I thought it was gonna answer, this cloud comes and hides it from view. But me being the optimistic guy hoped that the star would tell the cloud about my aim and then it’ll rain and one of those droplets will finally enlighten me. But it didn’t rain. Optimism begins to get on your nerves after a while, I tell you.
My generation might not be a zero, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never make it as a Working Class Hero. Silence is not my enemy, this stupid brain which thinks too much is. Maybe someday I’ll just pick up my 21 Guns and cause a massive 21st Century Breakdown. That day will be fun, oh yes.
No really lol, I’m not emo. I was just playing with the song names to make something up. I can’t even kill a cockroach damnit, so chill. I’ma live. As long as my stupid junk food diet permits me to. :/
You know what, many people getting into the IIT too have no idea what to do. Their “aim” is getting in there. They don’t care what course they get as long as they just ‘get in’. In fact, if anything, some of them know what they don’t want to do – engineering, still they slog it out for something they don’t know if they want. You’re not alone, the people who get whatever branch/course go all, ‘this is what I’ve always wanted to do’, and there couldn’t be a bigger lie. It happens, and you’re laughed at, looked down upon by pseudo-intellectuals if you own up to being clueless, confused. That’s how it is. Its all a facade, all we can do is play along… and not think too much;)
@Shuvi: I’ve been an engineering student so I know all that. I’ve met so many people for whom priority is not which type of engineering they are doing, priority is just which college they are doing it from. The problem with me is that I can’t tag along and do that. I can’t slog for something I don’t even want to do and something that doesn’t even interest me one bit but the mother doesn’t understand that. Actually she does understand but she’s had more experience in life than I have and she just says that I should slog for some time, get a degree and then do whatever I want. But that doesn’t work for me. I try doing it, get lost somewhere in between and things come back to square one. That’s why I say my brain is the enemy. I have a bad habit of thinking too much about things which causes all my issues. If I’d been normal enough to tag along with the rest of the kids, you probably wouldn’t have seen half the posts that are out here.
All the best dear. I just hope everything turns out well in every aspect and in 10 yrs time u would be still blogging and me still commenting :)
Liking Green Day for its music is OK, taking its emo shit philosophy as some kind of guiding beacon in your life is dangerous. Snap out of it dude.
It’s quite true that loads of the people who go to engineering colleges don’t actually care about engineering and are doing it just because it’s supposed to be ‘lucrative’ or whatever, and to be very honest, I don’t really like that kind of attitude. It’s probably good that you don’t want to slog for something you don’t like. On the other hand, you must have _some_ idea (however bizarre) of what you might possibly want to do? There must be something or the other that interests you, something doing which you go, “Ooh wow, this is FUN” even though you might not know how exactly that can be turned into a career?
You can’t force yourself to decide a suitable “aim.” It’ll come to you. Don’t worry about ‘em idiots who get into IIT — most of them just become investment bankers, screw their lives, and cry about it when they turn 40.
And it’s okay to not be “normal” — seriously, how many teenagers have you met who actually sit down and think about where they’re going? :)
P.S. I agree with Ankur.
@Reema: The prospect of me being around still blogging in 10 years would be history in so many ways. Firstly it would be history because this will be one thing that I carried on beyond 5 years. Moreover, do you think blogging as a social platform has it in itself to survive 10 more years? I seriously doubt. Twitter has already seriously dented blogging’s market and with more social networking things coming up, I think blogging is going to become completely obsolete in another couple of years. I’m glad you’ll still be around commenting, though. :)
@Ankur: Hahaha, that got tooo emo, didn’t it? I felt that way. And no, I’m obviously not taking their emo shit philosophy as a guiding light for myself. It’s just that I like playing with their songs lyrically to make some sentences up, you know what I mean? This is what I keep telling my dad. Me liking them doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll follow their ideas. Quite frankly, I don’t have the balls to wear tons of eyeshadow, get my entire body tattooed like shit and go around. That doesn’t even interest me.
@Sahil: Yes, you’re absolutely right about the engineering kids. As I say, I’ve been there and I’ve seen them. And that kind of attitude is saddening. But they’re not the only ones to blame for it. In fact, I wouldn’t blame that all. It’s all this fucking society that has created such a big hue and cry about engineering from an IIT or a PEC and stuff like that as if there’s nothing better in life you can do. When a kid hears all that crap, obviously he wants to achieve it, even if he cares about what happens after you get into the IIT or not.
And yeah, my problem precisely is that currently, there is absolutely nothing that excites me. Nothing that makes me go, “Ooh, this is FUN!”. It was computers for some part of last year but even that interest seems to have vanished now. And somewhere I’ve got myself to blame for not researching what all can be done. And at times its the hostility you face from the parents when you tell them you wanna do mass communication or something like that. Till now, I haven’t really been able to convince them, or for that matter, myself on what I really really want to do in life.
@Vasudha P: That is what I think. It will come to me naturally, it’s just that it’s getting a little too late and the situations and the happenings in the society are not helping things much. I’ve been like this for a long time but sometimes it just gets to my head. You know, you can say that screw the parents and ignore whatever they say but it does get to you to see them congratulating your friend and wondering when you would be able to make them proud and happy like that. I precisely left engineering because I did not want to do a desk job like everybody else but something that gives me happiness. Maybe I could do a desk job but it’s just that it should be relevant and should satisfy and make me happy. The money surely can’t be the only factor in life.
I’ve not met many such teenagers. And that precisely is the problem. I sit around and think where I’m going. And I just keep thinking and go nowhere. I can understand not having an aim but it’s about time I had an idea because I can’t wait for it for very long now. I need to be independent and support myself. It just does not feel right to just depend on the parents for everything and not give them any happiness whatsoever in return. You know what I mean?
And LOL, I know that got too emo. Perhaps I should edit it. Perhaps I will.
I think the fact that you were ‘made fun of for being a geek / typing fast’ in college (this was you who said this on Twitter or this blog, right?) could have something to do with not being interested now. Why should you care what other people think? That road leads to insanity – and many people happen to try and take that path with disastrous consequences. Stop trying to convince everyone of ‘your point’. If the point is sharp enough, they’ll see it eventually. (Sorry, couldn’t resist that PJ.) When people realize they were wrong on their own, they repent and their mouth stays shut.
About being confused about what you want to do, here’s some stuff that you can do right. this. moment:
1. Don’t take this as a plug for my blog (although it is). Go through the ‘…as a career’ posts on my blog available here http://www.ankurb.info/tag/voicetap/ – there’s a link to embedded podcasts on each of them which you can play (one’s that aren’t will be uploaded soon). In case you like the ones here, check out the other ‘careers’ calls on VoiceTAP.in. I’m working with these guys right now, so you may call me biased but the fact is that this content is *good*. It’s free for now since we’re trying to gain users.
2. Be more pro-active! If you’re interested in writing, then attend book launches. If you’re interested in computers / business / entrepreneurship and many more areas then attend tweetups and BarCamps – I’m sure you see messages for these on Twitter. (If you’re interested in BDSM, then all you need to do is stay in Ludhiana. :P ) You get meet an incredible variety of people at these events; get to know more about how their job is. Most kids can’t take a decision about what they want to do because they have absolutely no idea what a specific career entails. The best way to solve this is…go to a few of these events and speak with various people on what their work involves. I’m sure that will give a much clearer idea about what ‘aim’ you need to have. Don’t be a passive participant at these events though.
You were made fun of for being able to type fast? Sheesh, you should be proud of it, never mind what anyone says. Whoever made fun of you was totally weirded up. Here, if people see anyone typing fast, their eyes almost fall out of their heads as they go ZOMGWOW :D
You know.. today I’m reminded how right ur judgment was… i am version 2 :P
@Perx: You know I don’t even know how to react to that. Just try and figure something out that you like is all I can say.
@Ankur: Yeah, that was me. And yeah, that was one of the reasons that killed my interest as far as computers are concerned. Another one being that the course isn’t up to date and you don’t end up any brighter than you were before you actually joined. Not that I didn’t know that but the fact that the people in the college are not exactly willing to learn doesn’t help things much. Most of the people out there just want to mug, pass exams and have the time of their life at college and the mentality of the teachers also works like that.I don’t care about what people say, people have been telling me to do get a degree and then do whatever I want for a while now but I decided not to. That’s not how it works for me
And as far as being confused is concerned:-
1. Yes, in fact I have noticed the Voice Tap thing on your blog. I will give it a try, definitely. I’ve been thinking about going to a career counselor for a while now but it’s just that I’m finding it a little difficult to do the same without alarming the parents.
2. I agree about the being more pro-active part but the thing is, you say all this because you’re in a city like Delhi. A city such as mine doesn’t offer you many opportunities. There would be hardly like 2 bloggers and 5 twitterers in the entire city and trust me I don’t think I wouldn’t wanna meet most of them. Book launches and stuff doesn’t happen in here. Hell even music CD’s take 1 year or so to finally make their way to the local Planet M. The only careers that work in this city are Engineering, MBA and a little bit of medical etc. So you can always get counseling regarding this but blogging and twitter is something new and so not commercially viable out here. I’ve been dying to attend a tweet-up and meet people who I know online but it’s just not possible unless I come to Delhi whenever something is organised and with college and the rest of the stuff going on, that is just not possible. So the primary agenda is to somehow escape the city and go somewhere bigger. And currently I don’t see anyway the folks would do that without me joining a good MBA college outside. And well, I am kind of interested in Entrepreneurship/Marketing so I decided to play along.
Course isn’t up-to-date for computers pretty much anywhere in India, including top engineering colleges. And even where it _is_ available in colleges abroad, the students need to take their own initiative. College is not school, there won’t always be groups to join and people to tell you what to do. The hardest bit is that the learning curve is very steep when you’re trying to learn anything on your own.
Yes, I realize that being in a place like Delhi does help in interacting with people currently working in a field. But opportunities do come along there too – BarCamp Punjab was held at Lovely Professional University in April with quite a few veterans from the Delhi BarCamp circle supporting it. Did you go for it?
And BarCamps and tweetups are UNconferences and informal meets. It’s all organized by volunteers, and there is _supposed_ to be no structure at all. If you feel there isn’t enough happening, then you yourself can come forward and propose an idea for such a tweetup, maybe even play an active role in organizing it.
@Ankur: Yes, I know most places don’t have the up to date syllabus which has always led me to thinking whether studying in colleges for four years does really make a difference or not? I have a feeling it’s just the degree. They teach you what you have to do during those one month training before the jobs, anyway. I know I need to take my own initiative and that I did, I tried learning CSS online, did manage to succeed for some part but ultimately gave up on it because of the situation that was prevailing at home. I know I whine about it too much but I lose interest in things very easily. There is nothing I have been able to find that would glue me to it for more than a year and stuff. And that is my shortcoming and I’ve got nobody else to blame for that. It’s just that I’m still waiting for that something which makes me go, “Yes, this is it. This is what I wanna do in life.” If I don’t manage to find it, I’ll just be another face in the crowd and that’ll be okay with me because it was my own decision, not because somebody forced me into it.
I had absolutely no idea about BarCamp Punjab. Quite frankly I saw BarCamps and meetups only after I joined Twitter and started using it actively which was around May. I would surely attend if it happens again and I know about it.
Yes, I know BarCamps and tweetups are informal but the thing is that you always need like-minded people. Obviously you can’t just be there alone. That would be a failure. It’s just when you develop a circle in your own city that you decide to meet up face to face. And I don’t know anyone what so ever from my own city except one of my school friends who chanced upon my blog. The only other person in Punjab I know is LimeIce who’s in Jalandhar and then there is Drenched in Chandigarh. That’s it. How am I supposed to have a tweetup or something with 3 people all of whom live in different cities which are about more than 60 kilometers apart? But if BarCamp Punjab was a success, maybe I just don’t know enough people from the state and am in the wrong circle. I don’t know.
I’m not playing any blame-game here so sorry if my comments came across as that. Keep following Limeice’s tweets, she was at BarCamp Punjab too as one of the principal volunteers.
@Ankur: No no, your comments don’t come across as that. In fact, I’m very glad that you’re actually discussing this stuff with me. Most people wouldn’t bother. So thanks for that.
I’m following LimeIce now so yea I hope I get to know when anything new happens. I have a couple of ex-classmates at LPU, must ask them if they heard anything about the BarCamp happening. I wouldn’t be too hopeful, though.
Say you know I can totally relate to you neither I have found somethin which I really wanna do or figure out what I am learning for :(
I also had no idea about what to do when I was of your age and believe me I still don’t have any idea. 99% of the people don’t have any idea. They just do certain things because they have seen others do it. Their aims revolve around money and reputation instead of the dream. And I think 20 years is a stupid age to have aims.
The trick is – NOT TO LET OTHERS KNOW THAT YOU DONT HAVE A AIM!
Just pick up the best from whatever options you have right now and go with the flow.
Believe me, THE AIM WILL COME TO YOU EVENTUALLY. ONE DAY. It will just happen if it is not happening to you right now.
You know that sitting and thinking about it is not going to help so just Start preparing for MBA. Who knows that you will realize after doing your MBA that what your real goal is. At that point you should have the guts to pursue it.
Ish, don’t strain yourself for an answer. It will come to you. :) Bide your time till then. :)
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i am one of the kinds tht shuvi has mentioned.the diff is tht i haven’t decided my course.u aren’t alone.my biggest fear is tht i will take up sumthing and will not be able to work for it as somehere i am not interested.my friends say i can slog and i am hard working grl but seriously i don’t have a aim .nuthing actually excites me and i dunno till when i can behave like a career conscious wanna be a successful engineer sort of grl.good to know many ppl do face the same thing as me
Your posts sometimes remind me of similar existential crises that I’ve faced. The only difference is that I’ve just become wise enough to brush certain things off – like parental whining, like newspapers screaming about toppers, like idiots who go on and on about how their “aim” in life is get an MBA and “settle down”. Settle down? Why would anyone want to settle down in the prime of their life at 25? Settling down is fun only if you’ve followed certain passions/dream/whatever, done certain things you’ve always wanted, be it backpacking throughout India or working for an NGO or just spending a year taking a “useless” course like painting or scultpure or something. I’d rather die than settle down in my early/mid-20s with a stupid 9 to 5 job.
I used to have this OMG-I-don’t-even-have-an-aim sort of attacks until last year. Then, I ended up being surrounded by some great people who feel exactly the same way but are still going on with their now-awesome lives without worrying too much about this so-called “aim” that every normal kid ought to have. So, I have friends to whine and cry to. My dad is very much like your mother. I’m being pushed to prepare for the CAT and “get an aim in life”. Just listen to them, and then do whatever you feel is right. When you stop caring for what parents/random idiotic classmates/stupid extended family members think, you’ll stop feeling bad about being “aimless” and about not being like those who jump into the rat race.
I think being in a boring old city also makes matters worse. Chandigarh isn’t much different from Ludhiana, except that the student groups are better here. Otherwise, there aren’t many people you can identify with and that makes it even worse.
By the way, I read that John Abraham column too. I actually like him better now. He’s much more than just a pretty boy. Sunscreen is awesome. It’s been my anthem since last year too. Have you checked it out?
And just as a matter of interest, have you watched ‘The Secret’? I know some people don’t agree with its theory but I think it usually works, and it’s a great thing to turn to when you feel low and pessimistic. If you haven’t watched it, and if you want, I could mail you its torrent. Let me know. :-)
I’ve got so many things to tell you but I won’t =\
Making fuss over Chaplin’s quote is a bloody brilliant idea, I tell you!
I’ve already told my parents that I’m not ambitious/have an ‘aim’ and stuff. What has to happen will happen.
About siblings. I have always felt that half of the pressure comes on me due to my elder sister who has done everything better than me in life so far. So people expect me to be like her. But I’m not. So trust me, sometimes its better to be the only one and be who you want to be for yourself.
Being a teenager gives you a free passport for being emo. So chill =)
its a situation we all identify with.. a friend in mbbs , another in fergusson life can be hell..but in my case i’m happy for them..and my parents dont really compare..they just point out from time to time that i could’ve gone to a better place if i had indeed scored well..and frankly i dont need that pointing out either..my friends are encouraging..seeing them enjoy makes me jealous and determined that i’ll be in a better place for my masters!
and speaking of aims in life it always helps to have short term goals in life..likie for instance finish ur engineering wid flying colours..and in d meanwhile try analysing what is it that u want to do after eng.. dont thimk about 10 years later.. and frankly i think u’ve got d wrong definition of optimism.. dont be satisfied with what u have..thats not optimism..thats just giving up..dont give up..i know people who have seen far worse in their lives and they’re well about our age..seriously trust me..you are not in a bad situation afterall..
take care :)
thoda zada ho gaya? :)
this may sound condescending but…
been there, done that
or more accurately, been there and still doing that.
4 years of college + 1 yr of wrking, and i still dont kno vat to do with my life.
I jst go with the flow. I dont consider an aimless life as a big problem.
Of course, thats totally not how my family sees it :D
And its gonna be different for different people. You jst have to figure out whats the best thing for u to do in ur life. And its not like there is a big hurry and all…take your time, take it easy (coz no matter what, in the end, you are gonna end up as another layer of humus,(aimed and focused life or not)and nothing more )
shit thats pretty fukd up